My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
