Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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