you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
