Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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