i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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