I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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