My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
