she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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