Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
