3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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