so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
