maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
