Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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