im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
