a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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