Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
