The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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