made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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