Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
