taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
