I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
