just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
