FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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