just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think my vagina is haunted
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
