he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
