I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
