no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
