Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
