He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
