When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
