Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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