I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
