You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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