I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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