did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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