just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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