we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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