I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
