walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
