Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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