I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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