you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
