No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
