This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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