Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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