im six kinds of drunk right now
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
