She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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