My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
