I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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