We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
