Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
