FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
