Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
