DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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