Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
