Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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