You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
