i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
