If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
