I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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