I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize