her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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