Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
